So much of my adult life I've spent crying out to God. "Fix this. Change that. Mend me here. I need some stitches to make that part whole again. Won't you hurry up already? This is not fitting into my five year plan. What happened to that yellow brick road leading me to The Promised Land?”
The pestering and nagging story of discontentment overwhelmed my thoughts. It’s almost as if my segue into adulting just became one big season of insecurity, panic and just plain ol’ selfishness. I was like a greedy kid waiting for her second helping of cookie dough ice cream well before she'd finished her first scoop. Licking my lips, I was already laser focused on how I could get my next fix.
And the fix was usually to cover the doubt. This past week I thumbed through past journals, noting distrust and doubt as the common themes. About my job. About my (lack of) love. About Him really having my best in mind. About provision. About friendships and family. If I take a step back, doubt loves to circle the drain and I’m totally sucked in.
And you know, the more I think about it, doubt is kind of like a bad boyfriend. They both just loop around at the most inopportune moments. They both love to tell you lies to entrance you. And they both poke back up when you thought you squashed their control over your life for good.
So this week I took a step back and thought, “God, you are beyond my understanding. The goodness and provision you’ve actually drenched over my life is beyond my wildest dreams. You’ve used trauma to ignite growth. You’ve channeled ugly to spark beauty. You’ve given grace where condemnation was deserved. You’ve granted friendships out of unexpected places.
Why am I not exclaiming your praise and abounding in joy? Did I only use prayer to complain to you about everything not being just so? Where was the gratitude? The song? The overwhelming excitement about your glory?"
I don’t think I’ve ever had a season where I just praised God. Thanked him for all the amazing gifts he’s bestowed upon me. A career that’s been meticulously orchestrated. A business that’s thriving and growing. Community that makes my heart ache because they make me so happy. A loving family. An able body. Healing in areas I never thought would heal up. Exposure to the symphony of NYC streets and subways and skyscrapers. Funds that I can travel and give and invest. Passion and drive and motivation. Friendships that pop out of nowhere.
It’s time focus on the now instead of the future - the more than instead of the not enough - the joy instead of the discontentment.
I’m excited to see what the summer holds. But one thing’s for sure. Summer 2016 will be a season of gratitude, contentment and abounding love. A love song for the Creator.
An Ode to Joy.