Have you ever had one of those moments where you were so nervous you thought you were going to throw up? Maybe it was before you gave a presentation at work. Or maybe it was when you were around a guy you really liked. Or maybe it’s the anxiety that still wells up inside before you head into a social situation where you don’t know anyone.
For me, it was when I had to quit my first “big girl” job.
When I graduated from college, I had everyone else’s dream job. I had somehow landed a position on Wall Street at a bulge bracket bank, working in the investment banking division. This company had invested A LOT in me. I interned for them, they sent me overseas to work for their abroad practice AND they trained me for an entire summer. I was not a cheap hire. Not to mention – the head of the group was an alum of my school, well known and had personally advocated for me in the process.
To say I was nervous would be an understatement. I was scared of what the head of the group would say. I was scared of what my coworkers would think. I was scared that I was leaving behind a really great opportunity and that my career would be DOOMED forever.
But fear had been ruling my life immensely back in those days.
I had manifested and fed a life sucking eating disorder during that time, fueled out of my fear of not being perfect enough. It was my way to control. People’s opinions of me roared in my head and I became so succumbed to other’s impressions that I was stuck in a viscous downward spiral. The job’s strenuous nature (100 hour work weeks!!) further nurtured that bondage. I felt like a fraction of myself. In a weird, twisted way, my ED was a comfort and I feared what would happen if I just let go. But it got to a point that was do or die. Literally. I knew I had to begin making some drastic changes, tell fear that it was a liar and actively step into freedom. If not, I knew I would find myself in some serious trouble.
So I put my big girl panties on, told fear it would no longer keep me in quicksand and quit my seemingly big girl job.
It was the best decision I ever made.